So this last piece...
I wanted to write a piece that, while a bit theatrical and dramatic at points, showed the sort of thought process and build up to someone "coming out", actually doing it, and what happens next. While there is growing acceptance of queer people, the extremes feel as though they are drifting farther apart. While those who support you really support you, those who don't really don't. Unfortunately, this is a struggle that a number of people have to face, and while everyone sees the happy coming out stories or the sad realities of people getting disowned or kicked out after coming out, there isn't much talk about the thought process and internal struggle of the individual figuring out who they are, especially if they were sheltered or had been averted to such ideas throughout their life and/or childhood.
The piece is split into five sections and details a journey of self-discovery: figuring out one's personal identity, coming to terms with what it means for their future, the build-up to coming out, coming out, and the aftermath. All of the names for each section of the piece come from the "Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows". I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into words so I took a note from the author of the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig, who has given several TED talks about his endeavor in defining shared human experiences/emotions that weren't previously defined concretely. Each section is named after terms in the dictionary.
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I wanted each section to sound different, as if someone was reading a book and just hitting the most important chapters and skipping smaller, less detailed sections. This process is not linear. There are melodies I have shared throughout the sections, but some are just totally doing their own thing, and why not? These steps do not always happen immediately or back to back; there may be months or years between sections for some people.
Section 1: Monachopsis
n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach, lumbering and clumsy, huddled in the company of other misfits, dreaming of life in your natural habitat, a place where you'd be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
The first section revolves around the initial naivety and confusion the individual faces trying to further dig into their identity after being shielded from such ideas of gender, sexuality, and how they've become politicized. This section utilizes a lot of repetition of a simple child-like theme, almost to the point of being drilled in. While the background stays (mostly) consistent, there's some deviation with the soloist then eventually ends a brief train-wreck and return to the simple theme. Whether that's what the individual wants or not is up for debate. All I'll say is that the ascending scale never quite gets where it wants to go.
n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach, lumbering and clumsy, huddled in the company of other misfits, dreaming of life in your natural habitat, a place where you'd be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
The first section revolves around the initial naivety and confusion the individual faces trying to further dig into their identity after being shielded from such ideas of gender, sexuality, and how they've become politicized. This section utilizes a lot of repetition of a simple child-like theme, almost to the point of being drilled in. While the background stays (mostly) consistent, there's some deviation with the soloist then eventually ends a brief train-wreck and return to the simple theme. Whether that's what the individual wants or not is up for debate. All I'll say is that the ascending scale never quite gets where it wants to go.
Section 2: Agnosthesia
n. the state of not knowing how you really feel about something, which forces you to sift through clues hidden in your behavior, as if you were some other person—noticing a twist of acid in your voice, an obscene amount of effort put into something trifling, or an inexplicable weight on your shoulders that makes it difficult to get out of bed.
It's hard to know what label fits (or if you even want to identify with any particular label) if you don't know they exist, so this section is sort of that deep dive search on different identities. This was influenced by posts online I've seen of people (particularly queer people) in their rooms, playing the guitar or piano, and sharing their original music to the world, so I tried approaching writing this section of the piece the same way and having the tuba act as the "singer". I think of this section as an individual learning and coming to terms with their identity, coming to accept who they are, and while the realization of potential implications for their future set in, they're trying to stay positive.
n. the state of not knowing how you really feel about something, which forces you to sift through clues hidden in your behavior, as if you were some other person—noticing a twist of acid in your voice, an obscene amount of effort put into something trifling, or an inexplicable weight on your shoulders that makes it difficult to get out of bed.
It's hard to know what label fits (or if you even want to identify with any particular label) if you don't know they exist, so this section is sort of that deep dive search on different identities. This was influenced by posts online I've seen of people (particularly queer people) in their rooms, playing the guitar or piano, and sharing their original music to the world, so I tried approaching writing this section of the piece the same way and having the tuba act as the "singer". I think of this section as an individual learning and coming to terms with their identity, coming to accept who they are, and while the realization of potential implications for their future set in, they're trying to stay positive.
Section 3: Nodrophobia (Prod. by BLKSATURN)
n. the fear of irrevocable actions and irreversible processes - knowing that a colorful shirt will fade a little more with every wash, that your tooth enamel is wearing away molecule by molecule, never to come back
This section details the personal hype-up and planning before the individual coming out. They know the people they're about to come out to are disapproving of their expression, at least to some degree. They've had prior disagreements about political stances and religious beliefs, but the pieces are starting to connect that this may not go as smoothly as planned. This movement is anger, resentment, adrenaline, and fear.
*The beat for this section was produced by BLKSATURN. Here's links to his Youtube and Soundcloud.
n. the fear of irrevocable actions and irreversible processes - knowing that a colorful shirt will fade a little more with every wash, that your tooth enamel is wearing away molecule by molecule, never to come back
This section details the personal hype-up and planning before the individual coming out. They know the people they're about to come out to are disapproving of their expression, at least to some degree. They've had prior disagreements about political stances and religious beliefs, but the pieces are starting to connect that this may not go as smoothly as planned. This movement is anger, resentment, adrenaline, and fear.
*The beat for this section was produced by BLKSATURN. Here's links to his Youtube and Soundcloud.
Section 4: Fardle-din/Foilsick
Fardle-din: n. a long-overdue argument that shakes up a relationship, burning wildly through your issues like a forest fire, which clears out your dry and hollow grievances and reminds you that your roots run deeper than you think
Foilsick: adj. feeling ashamed after revealing a little too much of yourself to someone - allowing them too clear a view of your pettiness, your anger, your cowardice, your childlike vulnerability - wishing you could somehow take back the moment, discreetly bolting to the door after a storm had already blown it off its hinges
This penultimate section is the actual coming out. There is no tuba playing in this portion, the performer must sit in the same tension and awkwardness as the audience, except the performer is alone and open on the stage versus the audience huddled together in the dark watching second-hand. You are unable to hide behind your instrument now, you are fully exposed and forced to sit with yourself.
Fardle-din: n. a long-overdue argument that shakes up a relationship, burning wildly through your issues like a forest fire, which clears out your dry and hollow grievances and reminds you that your roots run deeper than you think
Foilsick: adj. feeling ashamed after revealing a little too much of yourself to someone - allowing them too clear a view of your pettiness, your anger, your cowardice, your childlike vulnerability - wishing you could somehow take back the moment, discreetly bolting to the door after a storm had already blown it off its hinges
This penultimate section is the actual coming out. There is no tuba playing in this portion, the performer must sit in the same tension and awkwardness as the audience, except the performer is alone and open on the stage versus the audience huddled together in the dark watching second-hand. You are unable to hide behind your instrument now, you are fully exposed and forced to sit with yourself.
Section 5: Énouement
n. the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, finally learning the answers to how things turned out but being unable to tell your past self
When Bo Burnham created his special "Inside", there was a whole speech about him deciding to end the special in that very moment because the future is constantly happening, so there will always be more to do. However, I'd like to take a quote from the version of that monologue from the later released outtakes from that special:
"I keep thinking that I'm done... I think it's partly because the thing that I'm writing about is an ending so it's hard to end whatever this is. I feel like I'm waiting for some big idea that's gonna tie it all together and make sense of it and satisfy me. But I don't think that's gonna happen... I realized the only way this thing is gonna stop is if I stop doing it, so I'm gonna stop".
It's not necessarily a good or bad ending, it's just sort of the present time. It's mainly just reconciling with the events and reactions, but eventually prioritizing self-worth and authenticity and continuing to exist. It's hard to put that into a tangible thought, especially since I wanted this piece to be general and detail shared experiences versus one individual story. But I guess that's the fun part, we can give the character a happy ending if we want. It's up for interpretation.
n. the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, finally learning the answers to how things turned out but being unable to tell your past self
When Bo Burnham created his special "Inside", there was a whole speech about him deciding to end the special in that very moment because the future is constantly happening, so there will always be more to do. However, I'd like to take a quote from the version of that monologue from the later released outtakes from that special:
"I keep thinking that I'm done... I think it's partly because the thing that I'm writing about is an ending so it's hard to end whatever this is. I feel like I'm waiting for some big idea that's gonna tie it all together and make sense of it and satisfy me. But I don't think that's gonna happen... I realized the only way this thing is gonna stop is if I stop doing it, so I'm gonna stop".
It's not necessarily a good or bad ending, it's just sort of the present time. It's mainly just reconciling with the events and reactions, but eventually prioritizing self-worth and authenticity and continuing to exist. It's hard to put that into a tangible thought, especially since I wanted this piece to be general and detail shared experiences versus one individual story. But I guess that's the fun part, we can give the character a happy ending if we want. It's up for interpretation.