My Full Thought Process
So, I gave a fairly detailed (yet brief compared to this) overview of the piece and the meanings behind each movement. However, if you're like me, you find something and want to do a deep dive and know everything about it. Lucky for you, I feel the need to document my entire thought process for this piece. For my memory's sake? To justify it all somehow? Justify it to who? Me? You? Who knows? So, if you have... 30 minutes? I will tell you exactly why I did everything the way I did for this piece, stuff cut/added throughout, what inspired/influenced each section, and whatever else I can think of.
Order I Talk About Different Topics:
If you read all of this, thank you for humoring me. :) This is all stream of consciousness, so it will be very rambly. Just fair warning.
Order I Talk About Different Topics:
- Why I Wanted To Write A Piece Like This
- Where The Names Came From
- Section 1 & The Narration
- Section 2
- Section 3
- Section 4
- Section 5 & The Narration Continued
- What Got Cut From The Piece & Random Other Things That Influenced The Piece At Some Point/Would've Influenced The Piece If The Messaging Was Different Including Old mp3s (remember when I said I was good at words?)
- The Lamp
- End
If you read all of this, thank you for humoring me. :) This is all stream of consciousness, so it will be very rambly. Just fair warning.
Why I wanted to write a piece like this
So, like I said, I wanted a recital containing music that I wanted to hear and play. As much as I love the classical tuba rep, I wanted something that represented an experience I don't think has been conveyed through this medium very much. I was seeing recitals with people utilizing lights, narration (electronic or live), dancers, video projection, electronics, and so much that kept me thinking about how I could use similar things in my performance. I'm big into theater, so I really wanted to add theatrics to some degree, but my fear with this whole thing is that I'll flesh it out and commit to the theatrics and either it isn't cohesive in conveying the story or it's "too weird" (though as I wrote the piece and fleshed this thought process out, the idea of it being "too weird" has bothered me less and less).
I went into a lesson with Tom during the spring and he suggested I write a piece for this recital. After filling him in on my not-so-positive history of trying to write music, he gave me some words of encouragement to try one more time. At least if it falls through, I could say I tried. So, I thought over what I wanted to write about. Honestly, the conception of it all took way longer than writing and putting the music together. It was very everywhere (for lack of a better term) to begin. I came back in a later lesson with my first idea for the piece and I mentioned using mannequins. Let me start by saying the progress for this piece was almost exclusively made between 9pm and midnight over this summer (I'm talking conception, writing, everything). I initially wanted the piece to have a similar story arc but instead of showing 5 sections from questioning to post-coming out, I was gonna have 3 sections with past, present, and future. The mannequin was gonna have its clothes replaced during the piece, it would get ripped apart, I had even planned to buy one. I remember telling Tom and him nodding and saying "Okay...". This man is so generous; he lets me sit with my own thoughts after saying them out loud in lessons and lets me realize on my own (and in real time) if it's what I actually want. So I thought on it more (shocker, I know) and wasn't feeling it as much (plus saying it out loud really helped). That's when the idea with the lamp came up. It's a bit less weird and still offers that visual imagery that I wanted. It's also something I can manipulate by myself, whereas with the mannequins, I was imagining that as a multi-person job. I didn't want it to feel like a recital piece, I wanted it to feel relaxed and true to the environment this typically happens in: homey. I wanted it to be like the audience was at home with the performer watching this all happen in real time. 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃
I went into a lesson with Tom during the spring and he suggested I write a piece for this recital. After filling him in on my not-so-positive history of trying to write music, he gave me some words of encouragement to try one more time. At least if it falls through, I could say I tried. So, I thought over what I wanted to write about. Honestly, the conception of it all took way longer than writing and putting the music together. It was very everywhere (for lack of a better term) to begin. I came back in a later lesson with my first idea for the piece and I mentioned using mannequins. Let me start by saying the progress for this piece was almost exclusively made between 9pm and midnight over this summer (I'm talking conception, writing, everything). I initially wanted the piece to have a similar story arc but instead of showing 5 sections from questioning to post-coming out, I was gonna have 3 sections with past, present, and future. The mannequin was gonna have its clothes replaced during the piece, it would get ripped apart, I had even planned to buy one. I remember telling Tom and him nodding and saying "Okay...". This man is so generous; he lets me sit with my own thoughts after saying them out loud in lessons and lets me realize on my own (and in real time) if it's what I actually want. So I thought on it more (shocker, I know) and wasn't feeling it as much (plus saying it out loud really helped). That's when the idea with the lamp came up. It's a bit less weird and still offers that visual imagery that I wanted. It's also something I can manipulate by myself, whereas with the mannequins, I was imagining that as a multi-person job. I didn't want it to feel like a recital piece, I wanted it to feel relaxed and true to the environment this typically happens in: homey. I wanted it to be like the audience was at home with the performer watching this all happen in real time. 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃
Where did the names for the sections/title come from?
I found the names of the sections, as well as the section 1/5 narration, through the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. I had been following the book/author and watching the TED talks for about a year (plus it started on Tumblr, which if any of y'all know, is a HUB of gay kids questioning and finding community with other LGBTQ+ users. It would be ridiculous to NOT mention Tumblr's influence on the queer community over the past decade, both good and bad, and its impact on this piece). I saw the site for the book and ended up buying a physical copy of it since I knew it would include more definitions I could utilize. I had seen "agnosthesia" first and that's when I knew I wanted to see if I could integrate it (I think it works for the most part). The original plan was to have each definition narrated, but that gave less "tuba recital" and more "audiobook".
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For the title, I just thought it fit me, other folks who identify similarly, and for anyone in the queer community. It's super broad. As much as I wanted to make this piece personal to me, I wanted it to be general and show shared experiences for people who go through this process. The thing I like about it being broad too is that everyone interprets things differently, so it can really mean something slightly different for everyone, people relate to different parts for different reasons, and that's super cool.
While I was putting the recital & program notes together, I googled a lot of synonyms and antonyms of words ("words" are not my "strong suit"). Doing that enough eventually led me to this book, which was published in November 2021. However, this book has been in the works for about 12 years. I'm so lucky I came across this book and that I was able to incorporate it in the piece.
You can click here to purchase a copy of the book.
Their YouTube channel has short videos that also define some of the words featured in the book, utilizing more metaphors, storytelling, and visuals.
While I was putting the recital & program notes together, I googled a lot of synonyms and antonyms of words ("words" are not my "strong suit"). Doing that enough eventually led me to this book, which was published in November 2021. However, this book has been in the works for about 12 years. I'm so lucky I came across this book and that I was able to incorporate it in the piece.
You can click here to purchase a copy of the book.
Their YouTube channel has short videos that also define some of the words featured in the book, utilizing more metaphors, storytelling, and visuals.
Section 1: Monachopsis
n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach, lumbering and clumsy, huddled in the company of other misfits, dreaming of life in your natural habitat, a place where you'd be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
This first section's vibe is childhood and a sort of ignorance or naivety of any sorts of problems. The melodic material is repeated HEAVILY, sort of as a drill in the head like "this is it, this is correct, this is what you will follow forever". I took inspiration for this movement from a Carolina Crown pit warmup I heard off-handedly on Twitter. This audio just embodies peace to me, like nostalgia but for something I don't know. It feels familiar and calming while also being a stranger (I'm REALLY trying to get philosophical with this, but it just sounds really pretty and like a music box and makes me want to fall asleep because I'm so relaxed).
I utilized so much from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows and I was so bummed that I couldn't name one of the sections after Lutalica. However, it is the term whose definition I used for the narration that ties the first and last section together. I figured people would want to see the video associated with it. It's the definition being read out like in the piece, but there's a ton visually that's missed without watching the video. It is also one of the few words that has a visual alongside the definition on YouTube, so I figured it'd be good to share. Lutalica and Sonder were the first two terms I heard around the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, so to be able to utilize one of the first new words I learned makes this really special. |
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Section 2: Agnosthesia
n. the state of not knowing how you really feel about something, which forces you to sift through clues hidden in your behavior, as if you were some other person—noticing a twist of acid in your voice, an obscene amount of effort put into something trifling, or an inexplicable weight on your shoulders that makes it difficult to get out of bed.
So, like I said in the Sparknotes version of my thought process, I was influenced by posts online of people in their bedrooms, playing guitar, and singing songs they wrote. I especially found a lot of queer and questioning people doing this (thank you Tiktok algorithm). The one that really started it all was one by Talia (they/them) from July of 2021. You can view the whole song by clicking on the photo. It was the exact vibe I wanted, from the guitar playing to the lyrical content. This audio also acts as the backtrack of section 4.
Issue is, as much as we love to say "sing through the instrument", I can not sing lyrics and play the tuba. I also can not play the guitar. So... what do we do? We say "modern problems require modern solutions", we panic, and use Garageband loops. The entire backing track for this section utilizes three similar guitar loops and some funky transposition, dynamic changes, and tempo changes. (pictured below) Now obviously, this limits our chord progression possibilities. No matter what I transpose, the loop still has its fundamental progression. So, we mess with what we can fully control: the tuba part. I wanted to have this lyrical motive from the first section featured in this section while also trying to have something that resembles a vocal line. I think recalling the motive from the beginning and expanding upon it represents the growth being experienced by the individual this story revolves around while also showing that they fundmentally aren't changing, just how they express themself is evolving. So, while keeping the motive and including expansion on it, I also added a couple of tritones. I originally wrote it because I think the progression with that interval sounded cool, but then I remembered that the nickname for tritones is "The Devil's Interval", and it just reminded me of all those Westboro Baptist Church people holding "Gays go to hell" signs. I just thought it was a neat detail to slide in there. Maybe you could interpret that while this person is deep-diving and questioning their identity that religion has had an impact on them (either positive or negative), and that shows through the interval being used in this section? Or it just sounded cool. Plus the tritone always resolved anyways so.....take that as you will. I also went back and forth with having tuba in the backtrack providing supplemental harmonies for this section. Partially because I'm indecisive on what harmony and intervals I preferred the soloist to have, but I also think it's cool to interpret it as a sort of self-dialogue. Besides the tiktoks, two other songs really influenced this movement. "Beautiful" by The Low Blow was the first song I heard from this Nashville-based band (again, thank you TikTok algorithm). I've been obsessing over this song since I heard it, and knowing it's from an artist who has shared the experience first-hand just brings some sort of comfort to the whole "questioning-your-life" situation. Matilda by Harry Styles, while not exactly a first-hand account per se, is still gut-wrenching and speaks on "found family". Similar to Talia's song, the lyrical content of both these songs is so applicable to what I wanted to convey. |
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Section 3: Nodrophobia (Prod. BLKSATURN)
n. the fear of irrevocable actions and irreversible processes - knowing that a colorful shirt will fade a little more with every wash, that your tooth enamel is wearing away molecule by molecule, never to come back
I tried. I really tried to create the beat myself for this section. I watched so many YouTube tutorials but could never quite pinpoint what I wanted and how to create it myself. So, I did what any typical composer for tuba music would do: look up free trap beats on YouTube. But I did not just pick this beat randomly, I promise.
Lil Darkie's "Genocide" is a song that really inspired the form of this piece, as well as inspired the vibe I wanted for the third movement. If you don't know about Lil Darkie, I linked a video below called "The Curious Case of Lil Darkie" that gives a lot of background on the artist, his style of music, and the controversy around his delivery, subject matter, and lyricism. I really loved the form of Genocide and how it felt like 5 different songs with different beats switches, vibes, and variations on how the lyrics are delivered rhythmically. I wanted the entirety of the piece form-wise to feel like snapshots from an entire emotional journey. Imagine you're watching a movie and there's a camera pointed through the window of the main character's house, and it shows different points in a year in a matter of seconds through a few short clips. Not sure I described that super well, but that's the vibe I wanted. So, this section of the piece is meant to be the moment before coming out publicly where the individual needs the confidence and hype boost in order to finally get the nerve to just do it. Obviously, Lil Darkie's beats have a particular (for me, hype) vibe, and after sifting through dozens of videos, the beat I found felt perfect. The beginning of this section sort of melds with the end of the second section; the individual is still in a sort of state of self-reflection when they overhear this conversation. The dialogue in this section, as well as other audio used in the piece, were clips of videos found through TikTok and YouTube. This moment is when the pieces connect in the individual's head that coming out is not going to be smooth, so the confidence boost is especially needed. Something I realized later on while putting this piece together was the influence of "lyrical content". The first movement was inspired by music without words, the second was influenced by lyrical singing, and this is inspired by quickly delivered rap lyrics. Even Genocide bumps up the tempo with every single section, ranging from 120 bpm towards the beginning and getting all the way up to 172 bpm by the end. The entire fourth section is essentially JUST dialogue. Just an interesting thought that came to mind at 10:43pm on August 25th, 2022 (told you most of the work on this piece was done past 9pm). |
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Section 4: Fardle-din & Foilsick
I chose two words for this section because it was initially meant to be broken up. I kept it together but felt both words still fit. The backtrack is the tiktok song mentioned in section 2. The audio is almost entirely first-hand personal accounts. I don't want to give too much away with that. It's uncomfortable to sit through no matter your position in this piece so I'll focus more on the part with the scream (*spoilers* lol).
Before we discuss the scream, foilsick: this name is hilarious. I thought it was hilarious when I first saw it, I still crack up when I read it. With all the jokes about my last name being "foil" & hearing "aluminum foil" and "tin foil" growing up, foilsick is just funny. You can laugh, it's fine. So, how could I possibly have influence for a scream? Well, this one's rough. We are delving briefly into "danger music", particularly that of Dick Higgins. Danger music, defined quickly, is "The concept of music holding the potential for danger to performer and audience (beyond the obvious risks of hearing loss, or vocal chord damage)". During the conception of this piece, I watched "every music genre explained" (which, in trying to find a link, led me to a sequel that is double the length), basically giving quick definitions and brief audio examples of over 250 subgenres of music, including Danger Music. The video linked is "Danger Music 17: Scream! Scream! Scream! Scream! Scream! Scream!". The titles of Higgins' pieces tend to be the instructions for the piece, some examples I've shared in photos on the side. Danger Music's influence for the scream in this piece was simply that it gave me the confidence to add it in the first place. There's a lot of controversy surrounding its distinction as music versus performance art versus nothing more than noise; Hanatarash is another case study of Danger Music from the 80s. To entirely shift the mood back to somewhat normalcy, I have also been falling back on watching Dance Moms compilations on YouTube (don't judge me, it's a comfort show). Kendall does a solo where she has to scream at the end (in the video, the time mark is 3:30). I thought if they could incorporate a scream into a dance solo, and Higgins wrote a piece that was exclusively screaming, then I of all people could make it work. Tom, not verbatim but still, gave me some good advice when approaching writing this piece that I think really applies to this part: don't utilize something extra just to have something extra. If it'll fit and make sense in the piece fine, but don't just have projections or lights just to do it. |
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I think the scream means so many things. It can obviously be anger, spite, and frustration; a lack of trust or confidence. It can also be cathartic, I'd go so far as to say it can be interpreted as therapeutic, like an intense, emotional release. After the scream, the individual can practically feel the weight lifting off of their body. But while there's a split second of relief, the individual immediately realizes that they may have exposed themself too much. I interpret that part of it, personally, like this: you just got in this whole discussion and while the other people in the conversation may stoop to name-calling, dead-naming, homophobic comments, and whatever else, the individual (as much as they may want to) steers away from doing that because they know if they do, the other people will use it against them (even though the individual isn't using it against the other people). I included the scream because of the various possibilities for interpretation and it humanizes the performer and the situation. However, the performer must realize that the scream has to be fully committed to; a half-done scream will not cut it for this piece. This is definitely more on the theatrical/performance art side of things.
Section 5: Énouement & The Narration Continued
n. the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, finally learning the answers to how things turned out but being unable to tell your past self
So, after reading that definition, I put the audio from the first section in reverse as if the individual is turning back time in an effort to tell their past self how everything went. But the final section ends with the backtrack going forward, just as it began. The narration from the first section also continues and ends in the last section. I wanted to keep the first and last section similar because no matter what, nothing about the individual has changed except for how they identify and how they express that identity. None of their morals and values have shifted, none of their interests drastically changed, they are largely the same. And even if they aren't, what does it matter? There wasn't any media that directly inspired this section that didn't already inspire the first or other sections. Not a ton of playing in sections 4 and 5, but that's just how it turned out.
It's the night before the performance and I am now understanding how the beginning being played in reverse may equate to different interpretations of events that happen. That's good. I love different interpretations. And that's how it is in real life, not every scenario will be exactly the same.
So, after reading that definition, I put the audio from the first section in reverse as if the individual is turning back time in an effort to tell their past self how everything went. But the final section ends with the backtrack going forward, just as it began. The narration from the first section also continues and ends in the last section. I wanted to keep the first and last section similar because no matter what, nothing about the individual has changed except for how they identify and how they express that identity. None of their morals and values have shifted, none of their interests drastically changed, they are largely the same. And even if they aren't, what does it matter? There wasn't any media that directly inspired this section that didn't already inspire the first or other sections. Not a ton of playing in sections 4 and 5, but that's just how it turned out.
It's the night before the performance and I am now understanding how the beginning being played in reverse may equate to different interpretations of events that happen. That's good. I love different interpretations. And that's how it is in real life, not every scenario will be exactly the same.
What Got Cut From The Piece & Random Other Things That Influenced The Piece At Some Point/Would've Influenced The Piece If The Messaging Was Different Including Old mp3s (remember when I said I was good at words?)
Anyone notice anything with the keys of the sections?
Section 1: E major
Section 2: D major (for the majority of it, does end in E-flat though)
Section 3: C minor
Section 4: not applicable (backtrack doesn't count since dialogue is the main thing in that section)
Section 5: B-flat major
Hmmmm.... Remember that interval I liked using in section 2? Notice anything between the section 1 and section 5 keys? YEP? A TRITONE BETWEEN THE KEY OF THE FIRST AND LAST SECTION? B-FLAT TO E? As Jon Stewart said to Bill O'Reilly in 2011: "BOO-YAH! (that's a rap word)".
Section 1: E major
Section 2: D major (for the majority of it, does end in E-flat though)
Section 3: C minor
Section 4: not applicable (backtrack doesn't count since dialogue is the main thing in that section)
Section 5: B-flat major
Hmmmm.... Remember that interval I liked using in section 2? Notice anything between the section 1 and section 5 keys? YEP? A TRITONE BETWEEN THE KEY OF THE FIRST AND LAST SECTION? B-FLAT TO E? As Jon Stewart said to Bill O'Reilly in 2011: "BOO-YAH! (that's a rap word)".
I'm including a gallery of pictures that I had wanted to feature somehow but couldn't really fit them in anywhere that I loved or made sense. Pictures include photos from a counter-protest I attended where TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists) were speaking at the Madison Capital Building. Other photos include poetry that had inspired me to a degree. I think eventually I'd like to do some sort of project including the use of old protest signs as the visual element, but that's quite literally all of the thought I've put into that thus far, so... yeah.
I'm throwing this in the middle because I believe nobody has read this far. I know I said I was keeping the piece broad and not about me, but I have to be real. Some of the audio was from Youtube and Tiktok, but some of it was from that TERF rally I attended. However, the key dialogue at the end of the 4th section is from a family argument from New Years 2020-21. That's my brother & father saying that stuff TO ME. There's other audio clips from that night that I also used, but I won't spoil which ones. I have over 2 hours of audio from the arguments from that night. I know this seems petty and serves no purpose, but having something that actually boils my blood to hear helps make the scream more genuine. I don't know if I could play/share this without ever telling anyone that, but odds are nobody will know. Hey, I made an attempt. Bo Burnham had an incredible amount of subconscious influence on this piece. The way he storytells through music and comedy is so impressive to me. He released a comedy special called "Inside", a special he filmed entirely alone in one room during the height of the COVID lockdown. He later released outtakes for that special, aptly called the "Inside Outtakes". I quoted that in the Sparknotes version, but I wanted to reiterate the quote that single-handedly helped me keep my sanity with not knowing when or how to end the piece: |
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The thing that I'm writing about isn't ending, so it's hard to end... whatever this is.
However, I didn't realize HOW MUCH of that subconscious influence Bo Burnham really had. During the first draft of the first section, I picked a fill-in gibberish title: "egghaead", or for those of you who actually speak more fluent English than I do, egghead. Funnily enough, Bo Burnham wrote a book of the same title that I bought FIVE YEARS AGO. I even plan to read (or already read if you're in the FUTURE) a poem out of that book that miraculously/coincidentally lines up well with the messaging of the piece.
The Lamp
Looking back, glad I decided on the lamp versus the mannequin. I wanted a visual break between sections considering it's all kind of back to back. Like I said perviously, I wanted dialogue between every section but realized it was simply too many words, so having SOMETHING to break it up felt essential. I have my own idea of what the lamp represents, but I'll leave y'all to your own devices on interpreting that. Can't just give away EVERYTHING. FOR FREE? In THIS economy?? Makes for a nice and dramatic recital poster though. But to answer your questions:
- Yes, I own this lamp. Got it from the Target on State St. discounted on Black Friday last year.
- No, I did not steal this lamp. Not sure why that was even a question?
- I took the picture on the last night of my lease in my first apartment in Madison because it was the only time I had an empty corner to take the picture how I had it planned in my head.
- I controlled the lamp turning on and off with a remote on my stand. This part does not play into the symbolism at all, I just am scared asking other people to do things for me. If it WAS symbolism, GOOD GRIEF I would/could dig into that for DAYS. But I really only did it because I knew the remote would be in range from my stand and I never had time to practice it with the crew.
- Yes, I look as silly as you think I do walking down the street in broad daylight with a lamp. Just gotta embrace it. You should've seen me bringing it to the dress rehearsal.
End
I think that's about it. I think I get frustrated when media presented to me doesn't have a finite message or ending, but I think this was a good process to go through. This piece is detailing a journey, and that journey hasn't ended yet. Super cool. Might change stuff in the piece later, might never do anything with it again. Who knows?